You can’t have soup week without tomato soup! And you can’t have a president without a brain! Oh yeah! You definitely can! Moron! Him, not me. I like to think I operate on a higher plane. Where was I going with this? I had a point. I know I had a point. I was like a brand new eyeliner, so pointy! Sorry folks. It’s been a long day. If anyone wants to take the PSAT for me, they are welcome. Anyways! This here is MY recipe for tomato soup. My mother says this is the wrong way to make tomato soup, and you’ll be seeing her recipe on here later this week, because she’s the boss of me, and if she tells me to post her recipe, well, I have to post her recipe. Love you, mommy! Please bring me some coffee. Whenever you read this, there is a large chance I will need coffee.
INGREDIENTS
4 tomatoes
1 head of garlic
1 tablespoon dried parsley
2 ½ tablespoons sugar
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 drops liquid smoke
1 teaspoon truffle oil
½ tablespoon balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons sour cream

Start by slicing up all the tomatoes. I should mention- this only makes 1 big bowl of soup! You’ll have to increase the quantity quite a bit if you’re cooking for a crowd.


Peel the garlic, but don’t dice it, we’re going to puree this all. What’s the point of chopping it? I’ve decided to be crazy and unpredictable and not go into a downward spiral of existential questioning that’ll leave you feeling slightly uncomfortable!

Chuck the tomatoes, garlic,

and butter into a pot,

and start simmering it. Over time, the tomatoes will lose their spine like the speaker of the house, the garlic will start to soften like the brain of a certain majority leader from who has forever ruined turtles for me, and the butter will melt like the vice president’s “morals”! It’ll smell good, too. This whole process will take about 10 minutes, instead of unfolding over the past 9 months, with new horrors every day!

Once it’s all melted and soft and liquid, add in the parsley, cayenne, liquid smoke, balsamic vinegar, and truffle oil. Add some salt, too. Oh! And the sugar. Did you know, soup week came about because we went out for lunch and my mom said the tomato soup she ordered didn’t have any sugar? How can you not put sugar in tomato soup?




Stir that in, a

nd taste it to see how it’s going.

Now blend it up- I used an immersion blender because, well, my blender was dirty and the immersion blender was just kind of sitting there. Insert gratuitous nail shot.

Blend it up,

and then stir in the sour cream and serve it hot! Or you could chill it and pretend it’s gazpacho. It will never be gazpacho. You should know that.
