This soup is just plain ornery. You want soup? You want a light, refreshing soup? You think soup is broth-y and elegant? This soup isn’t. This soup is glorified tomato sauce. This soup has meatballs. This soup has ravioli. Ravioli! Make this soup. And you […]
I ruminated on this title for a long time. Cheesy cruciferous hash was inherently contradictory, the unpretentious former juxtaposed with the intellectual latter (I spent 10 minutes rooting through the dictionary writing that sentence). Red cabbage hash was misleading- there’s no red cabbage in this. […]
If, like everyone else in this deep fried-calorie rich greaseball we call America, your New Year’s resolution was to start eating healthier, but you also don’t want to forsake everything good in life, make some guacamole. Avocados are full of fat, yes, but the good kind. Like people say all press is good press, all fat is good fat. Wait. That’s not true. Both those things! For example, if you treat an unsecure email server as the bringer of the apocalypse, but high treason as an everyday occurence, that’s not good press. And waffle fries aren’t good fat! You get it. Guacamole is also packed with all sorts of good stuff, like tomatoes, red onions, and cilantro. Just don’t negate all the health benefits by eating it with a bag of tortilla chips! Guacamole is one of the only substances on this earth that can make celery palatable…
Start by chopping up the tomato, onion, and cilantro. Take a minute to admire them. Post a picture to instagram,so you can show off how clean and healthy you’re eating. Conveniently crop the pan of brownies out of the picture.
Now peel and slice the avocados- I scoop them out, and then whack it a bunch of times with a knife. I’m so sophisticated and precise, right? So far I haven’t chopped off any of my fingers. Fingers crossed (pun totally intended) it stays that way.
Mush it up with a fork, or potato masher. I can’t find Eggbert, my potato masher. He disappears periodically. I’m sure he’ll turn up.
Now squeeze in the lemon (gratuitous nail shot), and mix that in.
Throw in salt and pepper to taste,
and then scrape in the veggies. Mix that in,
and serve it as an accompaniment to tacos, burrito bowls, quesadillas, or just as a condiment! Heck, eat it with a spoon. I do it all the time, and I turned out fine (TBD)!
Winter is just about here. The temperature dipped from 80 to 30 degrees overnight. It’s so COLD. And I’m really bitter that I couldn’t wear all my fall outfits. I have a sweater that I can only wear when it’s 50 degrees out, which will have to wait for spring now. And I have to wear heavy jackets? What happened to the cardigans? For heaven’s sake, won’t someone think about the CARDIGANS?! Sorry. I like cardigans. I had a point here! Right. While this is technically a sauce, it’s more of a stew- you can have it alone for a carbless meal, throw in some meat for some extra protein, or serve it with rice. It’s versatile, yummy, and pretty good for you!
1 medium eggplant
1 ½ cups tomato sauce
1 cup water
1 vegetable bouillon cube (feel free to use chicken or beef!)
14 oz can of kidney beans
Start by lopping off the top and bottom of the eggplant, and then dicing it into large chunks. If you have an eggplant about to go bad, this is a great way to use it. The one I had was all bruised and blemished, but stewing the life out of something covers a multitude of sins.
Slice up the onions, too.
Heat up a little bit of olive oil in a Dutch oven, and throw in the bouillon cube. I don’t like to give specifications for how much oil to use- it depends on your personal preference, what you’re making, what altitude you’re at, what cookware you’re using, your zodiac sign, and how close you are to Christmas.
Crumble up the bouillon cube, and stir it around so it toasts a bit.
Now throw in the eggplant and kidney beans. Don’t drain the beans! It’ll give it some good flavor.
Throw the onions in,
and the tomato sauce and water.
Add salt and pepper to taste,
stir it around,
let it come to a boil, and then cover it, reduce the heat to low, and let it cook for about 3 hours. It’s a great make ahead meal!
You can’t have soup week without tomato soup! And you can’t have a president without a brain! Oh yeah! You definitely can! Moron! Him, not me. I like to think I operate on a higher plane. Where was I going with this? I had a point. I know I had a point. I was like a brand new eyeliner, so pointy! Sorry folks. It’s been a long day. If anyone wants to take the PSAT for me, they are welcome. Anyways! This here is MY recipe for tomato soup. My mother says this is the wrong way to make tomato soup, and you’ll be seeing her recipe on here later this week, because she’s the boss of me, and if she tells me to post her recipe, well, I have to post her recipe. Love you, mommy! Please bring me some coffee. Whenever you read this, there is a large chance I will need coffee.
1 head of garlic
1 tablespoon dried parsley
2 ½ tablespoons sugar
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 drops liquid smoke
1 teaspoon truffle oil
½ tablespoon balsamic vinegar
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons sour cream
Start by slicing up all the tomatoes. I should mention- this only makes 1 big bowl of soup! You’ll have to increase the quantity quite a bit if you’re cooking for a crowd.
Peel the garlic, but don’t dice it, we’re going to puree this all. What’s the point of chopping it? I’ve decided to be crazy and unpredictable and not go into a downward spiral of existential questioning that’ll leave you feeling slightly uncomfortable!
Chuck the tomatoes, garlic,
and butter into a pot,
and start simmering it. Over time, the tomatoes will lose their spine like the speaker of the house, the garlic will start to soften like the brain of a certain majority leader from who has forever ruined turtles for me, and the butter will melt like the vice president’s “morals”! It’ll smell good, too. This whole process will take about 10 minutes, instead of unfolding over the past 9 months, with new horrors every day!
Once it’s all melted and soft and liquid, add in the parsley, cayenne, liquid smoke, balsamic vinegar, and truffle oil. Add some salt, too. Oh! And the sugar. Did you know, soup week came about because we went out for lunch and my mom said the tomato soup she ordered didn’t have any sugar? How can you not put sugar in tomato soup?
Stir that in, a
nd taste it to see how it’s going.
Now blend it up- I used an immersion blender because, well, my blender was dirty and the immersion blender was just kind of sitting there. Insert gratuitous nail shot.
Blend it up,
and then stir in the sour cream and serve it hot! Or you could chill it and pretend it’s gazpacho. It will never be gazpacho. You should know that.