It took me 5 minutes to type out “Mandazith”. It kept correcting to mandatory. See, autocorrect can turn Mandazithto mandatory, but can’t turn ronnirw into tomorrow? Really? Do better, autocorrect, or I’ll have to learn how to spell (if anyone who works at Yale is […]
You may notice that my last recipe also has “creamy” in the title. This is because I got a new food processor after mine being broken for over a year, and I’ve been getting a little bit over enthusiastic with it. Tapenade is really best chopped with a knife instead of a food processor, but this turned out well, too! It got nice and creamy, but kept all of its flavors.
7 green olives (mine are garlic-stuffed because I live for garlic)
7 cloves of garlic
Zest of 1 lemon
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon sugar
Start by chopping up the olives in the food processor. You can use black olives if you like, but I’ve always liked green olives better.
Peel the garlic, throw it in, and chop that up too,
and then spend 10 minutes zesting the lemon. You could, of course, just squeeze in half a lemon. That’s also there. But I like the subtle, bright flavor of lemon zest.
Now pour in the olive oil and red wine vinegar. Go wild, use white wine vinegar if you have it. See, I used to be a stickler about recipes. I would stand there and painstakingly count out how many grains of rice in a cup, so I could recreate the recipe exactly next time I made it. I would roll a lemon back and forth for five minutes so it would be extra juicy. I measured vanilla extract, instead of upending the bottle over a bowl. But in the long run, does it all matter? There’s still an autocratic, psychopathic, despotic bully with the vocabulary of a megalomaniac three year old and the morals of a raccoon running the country. I’ve become desensitized to scandals, lawbreaking, blatant disregard for democracy and the American people, and not measuring vanilla extract. So use white wine vinegar if you like, basically. Throw in the salt and sugar,
and then puree it all up. Be careful when you add the salt- it’s already really salty from the olives! Taste it, and add more salt, sugar, or vinegar to taste.
Serve it with chips and crackers!
This comes together in less than 15 minutes, including baking time. I may have cheated and gotten the barbecue sauce out of the fridge, but everything else is 100% pried from the depths of the freezer! This is a complete (yummy!) meal, and stays good […]
Gnocchi is probably the most underrated Italian food. Bruschetta, polenta, foccacia, and antipasti have all been incorporated into the mainstream, but gnocchi’s been left behind, in all it’s spuddy glory. Did you know spuddy was a word? No squiggly red line showed up under it, […]
If you’re looking to jazz up a salad, make truffle dressing. This is a creamy, tangy, bright dressing- a little bit different from the standard olive oil-vinegar dressing! You have to add a lot of truffle paste for the flavor to stand out, but I actually liked just having a subtle truffle flavor. This isn’t limited to salad- pour it over chicken, beef, vegetables, or dip crackers in it!
⅓ cup mayonnaise
⅓ cup milk
2 tablespoons sugar
5 green onions
5 sprigs thyme
1 tablespoon balsamic vinegar
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 tablespoon truffle paste
There’s sun dried tomatoes too, but we aren’t using those today.
Start by slicing up the shallot, green onions, and thyme. This might seem like an excessive amount of green onions. You see, I have a bag of green onions about to go bad, so I’ve been using tons of them in whatever I make. It turned out well! It gave a nice, mild, almost garlicky flavor to the dressing. When you chop the thyme, strip it off the sprig first- don’t try to cut through it. It won’t work. And even if you use an axe and are able to cut through it, you’ll have hard, sharp woody sprigs in your dressing, and who has the time for that?!
Whisk together the mayo and milk. Yes, I suppose you could use Greek yogurt. Full fat, though.
Pour in the sugar and balsamic,
and then the truffle paste and cayenne.
Add more cayenne if you’re not a wimp. Or, pour it over a jalapeno salad like my mom. Add salt to taste, and then stir it together.
Throw in the onions, shallots, and thyme,
and pour it over whatever you’d like!
Oh, I’ve been procrastinating on this for a long time. I was having so much fun with holiday recipes, and then I got sidetracked by cheesecake, yogurt soup , and waffles, glorious waffles, that I forgot all about the countries. Well, you can’t really forget that […]
Let me tell you a little story. There was cream cheese about to go bad. And I wanted cheesecake. So, I decided to make cheesecake. Y’all with me so far? Good. So, I arrange all my ingredients. I’ve decided to make a classic cheesecake with berries on top. I’ve taken my ingredient shot, when I think it would be adorable to make cheesecake cups! I then spend 20 minutes looking for the cupcake pan. I do not find it. So, I screech for my long suffering, ever patient mother to help me find it. She finds it in 2 minutes. I go on a 10 minute rant about witchcraft and the like, while she reads the newspaper and periodically says “that’s nice, dear”. For those of you who are good at math (or, you know, can do basic addition), 32 minutes have gone by- not counting the time I spend getting ingredients out. I’ve been in the kitchen the whole time. And I do not remember that our oven is not working. Fingers crossed the fine admissions office at Yale never sees this. So, at this point, I make big plans to give up and hide in my closet all evening reading Hemingway (I was feeling tragic). But something kept me in the kitchen. What was it? Persistence? Tenacity? Integrity? Nah, I just really wanted cheesecake. You’ll find this was the driving force behind several significant events in my life. I like cheesecake. So, I omitted the egg, and made no-bake cheesecake. Thank you for listening. I’ll await the call from the folks who give out the Pulitzer Prize now.
⅓ cup cream cheese (full fat. FULL FAT.)
¼ cup sour cream
2 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
5 tablespoons butter
8 oz Marie biscuits
2 tablespoons sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla
Start by crushing the biscuits. If you’ve got one of them newfangled food processors, use those. If you tried to grind peppercorns in yours, which resulted in it breaking, put the biscuits in a sandwich bag
and crush them with a rolling pin. I should really stop broadcasting all of this to the world, just in case Yale ever sees this. Or am I doing this subconsciously so that if I don’t get into Yale, my ego will be soothed by the fact that they judged me for this, and not because I wasn’t good enough? Is all of this just a big production to protect my superiority complex? Well?! I’m stressed now. I’m going to go crush some Marie biscuits. Once they’re crushed,
dump them into a bowl, and then melt the butter, pour it in, and add the sugar and vanilla.
Mix that in, and eat a spoon. Okay, two spoons. Three? Fine, three spoons.
Then put it in the other room while you make the filling so you don’t eat all of it. You’re going to need to. Now throw the cream cheese, sour cream,
and sugar into a bowl
and beat it it until it’s nice and creamy.
That’s it for the filling! Easy as pie. Cheesecake? Easy as cheesecake? Easy as tiramisu? Easy as impeaching the President? Who said that? Not me. This is all getting too existential. Divide the crust into a cupcake pan, and press it in and around the edges with a spoon or your (clean) fingers.
Pour in the filling,
and freeze it for about 3 hours, or until it’s totally set. It’ll have a nice matte finish.
Serve it with coffee to cut the sweetness!
Holiday food is really heavy. It’s all cookies, bread, roast beef- you know, the good things in life. The holidays are also really time consuming. Between family, shopping, and decorating (also the good things in life), you don’t have much to yourself. So, logically, you […]