Stovetop Apple Spice Cake

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You know the drill. I wanna make a cake. I make the batter for a cake. My oven is broken. I forgot about the broken oven. I have to do SOMETHING with the batter. I dump it in a mini pot on the stove. It burns a bit around the edges, but honestly, in this dumpster fire of a country, who isn’t a bit burnt around the edges? The cake still tastes good. I eat it. I am happy. You make it. You eat it. You are also happy. That’s my campaign speech, if I ever run for office.

 

INGREDIENTS

 

Cake:

 

3 cups cake flour (or 2 ½ cups all purpose flour with 6 tablespoons cornstarch)

2 teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 cup canola or vegetable oil

2 eggs

⅓ cup brown sugar

2 teaspoons cinnamon

1 teaspoon ginger

½ teaspoon ground cloves

½ teaspoon ground nutmeg

1 ¼ cups buttermilk (or a little over 1 cup and 3 tablespoons of milk, mixed with 1 tablespoon vinegar)

 

Apple Topping:

 

3 apples

½ cup brown sugar

2 teaspoons cinnamon

2 tablespoons butter (not shown)

Start by dumping the oil and brown sugar into a bowl. Admire it, the way the silky oil surrounds the rigid block of brown sugar- how the stiff cylinder of sugar could crumble with a feather’s touch.

Then stop being weird and mix it.

Add the spices,

then crack in the eggs.

Bonus points if you crack in the eggs one handed! Bonus bonus points if you don’t get any shell in. If you do get some shell it, just wet one of your fingers, and stick it in. The shell will stick right on to your finger, and you won’t have eggshell in your finished cake. The American Dream! Mix it all together,

and then in two batches, sift in the flour, baking powder, and baking soda.

Whisk that in, and then pour in the buttermilk. You can’t see it too well, but it’s there. Kind of like decent Americans, semi-selfless politicians, global warming- no, never mind, massive hurricanes, extreme hot and cold, and rising sea levels might tip you off about the whole global warming thing. Mix the buttermilk in.

 

I just realized I didn’t add any vanilla. I offer no explanation or defence- only a sincere apology. I will do better in the future. I’m waiting on the same response from the president, after he was accused of cheating at golf. Besmirching the good name of golf, disrespecting the game- this treachery will not go unacknowledged! Did the president ever apologize for not paying taxes, by the way? Asking for a friend. Once the buttermilk is in, the batter is ready. Here, I took a few minutes to panic and think about alternate ways to make the cake. I’m mildly ashamed to say that the toaster crossed my mind. While I was thinking, I made the apples. These apples are good with everything- as a pie filling, strudel filling, on top of ice cream- they’re all purpose apples! You don’t need to peel these, which makes me happy. I hate peeling apples. I just feel like I’m going in circles! Ha. You know, I’ve been sitting here for five minutes thinking about what to write now. I think that’s the first awkward silence I’ve had with myself.

 

Dice the apples,

and then throw them into a pan. I love using cast iron pans to cook. Makes me feel like a robust prairie settler.

Sear the apples on high heat,

then throw in the butter, sugar, and spices.

Turn the heat to low, and stir it around. The butter and spices will melt into a syrup, and cling to the apples. Cook the apples until they’re soft, and then take them off the heat.

I make the cake two ways- the first way was really simple, I just poured it into a large nonstick skillet, and cooked it until a toothpick came out clean. I poured the apples on top, and sliced it like a normal cake. But this version turned out prettier, and our image obsessed society will like it better! Pour some apples into the bottom of a mini cast iron pot.

Pour the batter on top, put a lid on it, and then cook it on medium heat.

The cooking time will depend on your stove and how much batter you use- just keep an eye on it, and after the first 10 minutes, poke it with a toothpick every 4-5 minutes until it’s done. Turn it over onto a plate- the soft, syrupy apples will make a great top. Stick a candle into it for an adorable birthday cake!

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