Which came first, the spaghetti or the meatball? My money is on the meatball. I’ve always wanted to have a valid excuse to say that. It just sounds cool. Meatballs in general are cool. I mean, think about it. Ground meat smushed together with herbs, cheese, and bread, formed into balls, and fried. Meatballs will make America great again. I bet that would work better than fascism. Let’s make America meatball again! (I know that makes no sense- but say it out loud and tell me you don’t feel 10004939028598093586903% cooler)
8 oz ground beef
3 oz parsley
1 cup breadcrumbs (if you don’t have breadcrumbs in your pantry, toast some bread. Put the bread in a box. Then put it in a bigger box. Then a bigger box. Then mail the box to yourself and SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!*Maniacal Yzma laugh*)
⅓ cup grated asiago or parmesan cheese
5 cloves garlic
2 cups crushed tomatoes
1 oz spaghetti
2 teaspoons onion powder
1 teaspoon garlic powder
2 teaspoons dried basil
1 teaspoon cayenne
Start by throwing the meat in a bowl. It’s always very helpful to have meat on hand when making meatballs.
Now throw in the breadcrumbs,
onion powder, garlic powder, one teaspoon of basil, and ½ teaspoon of cayenne. The other basil and cayenne must go down another road in life. One far more filled with tomatoes.
Now chop up the parsley,
and throw that in
with the egg. It’s very important to have the egg. Did you know in the 1920s, egg was slang for a very rich person? My goal in life is to be an egg. Bet you’ve never heard that one before.
Mix it all together using a spoon or your hands, and now you have meatball stage one. You can keep this in the fridge, covered, for up to 3 days. But I’m just going to make them now, because I have a very short attention span.
Heat up some oil in a heavy, flat bottomed pot or pan- I got this braiser for Christmas, and it’s my new best friend. My Dutch ovens have grown so resentful to me. And don’t even get me started on my cast iron pan. So disgruntled. Yeah, I personify my cookware. Wanna make something of it?
Using a cookie scoop (gratuitous nail shot. This nail polish smells like bubblegum. Which would be cool, except I’m not sure if it’s supposed to smell like bubblegum. It unnerves me when things that aren’t supposed to smell like bubblegum smell like bubblegum), scoop the meat into the pan.
You can be much more meticulous than me, and actually form balls- I was feeling rustic when I made this (food blogger slang for lazy).
Keep it on very high heat for a minute- you just want to sear them.
Now flip them over, it’s okay if they break a bit.
Sear them for another minute, then turn the heat down to very, very low, and put on the lid.
Leave them to cook for about 10 minutes, remove the meatballs to a plate.
Peel and dice the onion, cry for five minutes afterwards.
And then throw the onion in a pot with some olive oil.
Once you’ve gotten a grip, grab the garlic. Garlic will make everything better. Peel and dice it,
and then throw it in with the onion.
Stir it around and let it soften a bit, and then throw in the tomato sauce
and 1 teaspoon of dried basil, and ½ teaspoon of cayenne. Feel free to add in some sugar if you like things sweet!
Now turn the heat under the sauce to medium-low, and let it simmer for a while.
Now it’s time to make spaghetti! Here’s how you can make spaghetti just like a real, live food blogger. I must warn you- this is not for the faint of heart. It’s a very artisanal and high-class way of making spaghetti. First, you have to wear some lucky spaghetti lip gloss. If you’re not wearing lip gloss, it won’t work. The spaghetti will catch fire in the water you’re boiling in. I’ve seen it happen. Once you’re wearing the special spaghetti lip gloss, go to the store, and handpick a box of spaghetti. Bonus points if it’s on sale. Once you get home, put a pot of water on, and then boil the spaghetti. Voila! The secret is in the lip gloss. I’m telling ya.
Now that everything’s ready, all you have to do is assemble the magic. Spaghetti, sauce, and meatballs.
Feel free to jazz it up with parsley and cheese- tonight I felt like keeping it rustic, though. Spaghetti and meatballs is a classic combination- the world is a better place with it.