No-Bake Cheesecake


Let me tell you a little story. There was cream cheese about to go bad. And I wanted cheesecake. So, I decided to make cheesecake. Y’all with me so far? Good. So, I arrange all my ingredients. I’ve decided to make a classic cheesecake with berries on top. I’ve taken my ingredient shot, when I think it would be adorable to make cheesecake cups! I then spend 20 minutes looking for the cupcake pan. I do not find it. So, I screech for my long suffering, ever patient mother to help me find it. She finds it in 2 minutes. I go on a 10 minute rant about witchcraft and the like, while she reads the newspaper and periodically says “that’s nice, dear”. For those of you who are good at math (or, you know, can do basic addition), 32 minutes have gone by- not counting the time I spend getting ingredients out. I’ve been in the kitchen the whole time. And I do not remember that our oven is not working. Fingers crossed the fine admissions office at Yale never sees this. So, at this point, I make big plans to give up and hide in my closet all evening reading Hemingway (I was feeling tragic). But something kept me in the kitchen. What was it? Persistence? Tenacity? Integrity? Nah, I just really wanted cheesecake. You’ll find this was the driving force behind several significant events in my life. I like cheesecake. So, I omitted the egg, and made no-bake cheesecake. Thank you for listening. I’ll await the call from the folks who give out the Pulitzer Prize now.





⅓ cup cream cheese (full fat. FULL FAT.)

¼ cup sour cream

2 tablespoons sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla




5 tablespoons butter

8 oz Marie biscuits

2 tablespoons sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla


Start by crushing the biscuits. If you’ve got one of them newfangled food processors, use those. If you tried to grind peppercorns in yours, which resulted in it breaking, put the biscuits in a sandwich bag

and crush them with a rolling pin. I should really stop broadcasting all of this to the world, just in case Yale ever sees this. Or am I doing this subconsciously so that if I don’t get into Yale, my ego will be soothed by the fact that they judged me for this, and not because I wasn’t good enough? Is all of this just a big production to protect my superiority complex? Well?! I’m stressed now. I’m going to go crush some Marie biscuits. Once they’re crushed,

dump them into a bowl, and then melt the butter, pour it in, and add the sugar and vanilla.

Mix that in, and eat a spoon. Okay, two spoons. Three? Fine, three spoons.

Then put it in the other room while you make the filling so you don’t eat all of it. You’re going to need to. Now throw the cream cheese, sour cream, 


and sugar into a bowl

and beat it it until it’s nice and creamy.

That’s it for the filling! Easy as pie. Cheesecake? Easy as cheesecake? Easy as tiramisu? Easy as impeaching the President? Who said that? Not me. This is all getting too existential. Divide the crust into a cupcake pan, and press it in and around the edges with a spoon or your (clean) fingers.

Pour in the filling,

and freeze it for about 3 hours, or until it’s totally set. It’ll have a nice matte finish.

Serve it with coffee to cut the sweetness!

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