We now have further evidence Finland is the most hardcore country in the world. So, us weak Americans make Christmas cookies for the holidays. The Finns make mustard. Can we throw in the towel and admit they’re cooler? I mean, let’s look at it. They have reindeer- which are just festive meese. The plural of moose is meese, and we can take this outside if you disagree. They also have, you know, a functioning government instead of a sleazy nest of harassers, degenerates, and general slimeballs lead by the greatest and most corrupt nitwit of them all. But I digress! Making mustard at home is actually a lot of fun, and it tastes so much better than the neon yellow stuff. I don’t trust neon things- be it mustard or neon orange numbskulls masquerading as president. You can use this to glaze ham, as a sandwich spread, or to flavor veggies- it’s super versatile!
¼ cup dry mustard
½ cup sugar (use brown or white- doesn’t matter!)
1 tablespoon olive oil
2 tablespoons apple cider vinegar
1 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon lemon juice
Start by dumping the mustard, sugar, and a little bit of salt into a pot.
Turn the heat to medium,
and one tablespoon at a time,add the cream.
Mix it in totally before you add the next one.
Keep going until the cream is all gone! It should be thick, creamy, and the smell alone should be strong enough to make your eyes water.
Now pour in everything else- the oil, vinegar, and lemon juice.
You can really add anything else you like- throw in some basil, oregano, marjoram, and thyme to make an herb mustard. Add a few shakes of hot sauce to make hot mustard. Throw in some cumin, coriander, ginger, and garlic to make a South Asian inspired mustard. You get the point!
Let everything come to a boil,
and then take it off the stove. The mustard should be thick and glossy, kind of like healthy hair. I understand that’s not the most appetizing analogy. My hair has been very shiny recently, thanks to the 100 or so oils I’ve been using, and I’m thrilled about it. Thank you for listening.
The mustard will also be completely liquid- it needs to chill in the fridge for a couple of hours to thicken up.
This is so easy, and so much better than storebought!